Fear is rampant in our culture today. Advertisers use it and politicians exploit it to get out attention. Some are just fearful by nature. They fret and they worry about the smallest things. 90% of things they worry about do not come to fruition. The acronym for fear reads like this, “False (Emotions), (Expectations), (Events) Appearing Real.”
In relationships, there are two main fears.
- Loss of love or abandonment.
- That it may be too good to be true or love is fleeting.
Without risk, there are no great love stories. When one loves deeply there is a possibility of pain. Yes, one can get hurt and yes it does hurt. The question is, are you driven more by the pain of loss or the pleasure you get from loving someone with abandon. However, there is always another door that can open for a new love to blossom providing one is open with a good attitude without bitterness.
Let go of that fear, it will be well worth it!
Not long ago a woman friend shared a story with me about a friend of hers. Her friend Jenny’s husband died 4 years earlier. Jenny took time to grieve the loss of her husband, care for her children and feel comfortable with herself again.
Not long ago, she met a man and a relationship blossomed.
One day after strenuous activity Jenny suffered a stroke and found herself in the hospital for an extended period of time. One would expect her boyfriend would be by her bedside supporting her in her recovery. But this damn fool told her he wanted to see other people. How devastating in her time of need.
One wonders how this jerk could be so cold and inconsiderate.
It is men like this guy that give other good men poor reps. This story will be shared with many other women and that’s why I am writing my second book (A Good Man) about good men to encourage women to believe there are men out there that step up and do the right thing.
Financial planning is a team game, remember to look after your teammates!
I recently had a conversation with a woman regarding her successful architectural firm. She told me when she expanded her practice (after a very good year) moving to new offices and at the same time did a full renovation on her home. She was over extended financially. Then business got soft and cash flow was down. She sat down with her husband and CALMLY explained the situation. He did not become a RAGING LUNATIC but softly said: “how can we work together to get back solid financial footing?” And they did. They made changes after doing a full financial examination of her business and their personal lifestyle. To relieve the stress, she brought on an admin. a person with a strong accounting background to oversee the office and their personal expenses. This smart move allowed her to concentrate on what she did best, design and not constantly worry about finances that can be crippling emotionally. Today, business is on the uptick and they are enjoying their recently renovated home. How great it is to have a spouse that is on the same team with loving support. She told me, she knew the man who she was marrying beforehand because she did her homework!
I recently had a conversation with a couple of women about knowing the person one is marrying. The subject of money came up. I said, “I believe couples need to have an agreement and a game plan about their finances before they marry rather than throw it to the wind.”
One gal responded, “I would just say what he (her future husband) wants to hear before you get married and then do what you want after the wedding.”
Another woman I know moves money around from account to account so her husband won’t know what she is spending.
Neither scenario is very responsible or builds a foundation of trust for the future, would you agree? So many marital fights occur over money. Why not get all of the issues on the table long before the wedding? Both parties need to understand how each other values money and spends it. One party may be prudent and the other reckless.
You better know before going in. Financial surprises can cause great turmoil in a marriage. It is a good idea to have a monthly review to get a snapshot of the current financial picture. Remember, a couple on the same page is a couple that is more intimate, so be truthful.
She was an irresponsible spender when they were married and now as a widow she continues her foolish ways.
Today, I was speaking to a friend on the west coast and she was telling me about her mother (80) living in Florida. Years ago she shared with me that her mother’s spending habits almost forced the family into bankruptcy. Unfortunately, they had to sell their home to survive financially.
Once again, as a senior citizen on a fixed income, her spending habit caught up to her. Living in a condo (without a mortgage) she took out a 90% home equity loan and completely went through the funds. In addition, her credit cards are maxed out.
Now, it is up to her 2 daughters to clean up the financial mess and work through a mountain of debt. It will be interesting to see what kind of program they set up for their Mother/senior woman/child.
Couples, it is essential to have a financial understanding that includes accountability before you marry. Get on the same page!!!
See Chapter 18 in my book ‘Eyes Wide Open’, ‘transform blind love into a long lasting marriage.’ Available on Amazon.
This evening I write about a man whose love for his daughters is so deep that the sacrifice he makes is not even considered a sacrifice in his eyes.
David Hoffman (a divorced dad) makes the drive from Long Island, New York to Charlotte, North Carolina and back (1350 miles) every weekend to be with his youngest daughter. His older daughter is completing her final year of High School on Long Island and will move south for her college education.
This past weekend he purchased a townhouse so he can be with his girls. David sets the standard for all dads, married and divorced.
I applaud his effort and he is my vote for “Dad of the Year”.
When are young people going to get serious about marriage?
Getting married should never be done on a WHIM. But that’s the way it seems today. What it seems to be, is the right person in the right place at the right time and things move too quickly.
Hmmm, a recipe for disaster?
The State of Colorado has proposed a ballot measure that requires residents who are marrying to take premarital classes. I am in agreement with this concept and think it’s a brilliant idea. Although, I am not a fan of big government but this is one program that can only help the citizens of Colorado.
In my home state of New Jersey, if parents are divorcing and children are under the age 18, a class for divorce is required and ordered by the court. Maybe a premarital course (taken seriously) required by the state should be done on the front end and there would be less divorce on the back end.
Marriage is meant to be a lifelong commitment. Honor it by doing all the work you can to get to know one another before getting married!
Remember, ‘Eyes Wide Open’